(no subject)

[podling]

So I was talking to someone about BDS&M stuff the other day... actually mostly just about bondage. And at some point I said that I think most people are a little bit attracted (or turned on, more like) to a small amount of it. Not necessarily in a way that would be expressed regularly, but just kind of in the back of the mind.

Anyway, talking to tanaise about it, she said this... "And I think that probably everyone has a little S/M side to themselves because everyone simultaneously wants completely control of their lives and total bossing about by someone else." And I think she makes a valid point...

Comments

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Well, let's look at contemporary clothing items, shall we?

1) Necktie. All about bondage.
2) Rings. All about bondage, whether they're the wedding ring or not.
3) Bracelets and anklets. Again, all about being bound.
4) Necklaces.

So, in the officeplace, you can look around and get a better feeling for who's liking what. :O

[deza.livejournal.com]

Heh, I have a specific anklet that I wear *just* when I feel like being tied up. It gives me a nice sense of being manacled, and very few people every guess why I'm in such a good mood on those days.

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Heh. I'll have to pay more attention to your feet, then. :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Or my neck. I tend to wear my collar a lot, too.

[podling]

I know what you mean... I have this one necklace type thing that's bendable loosely woven together metals that sits tight on me however I bend it. And it's great! It's this sexy bound feeling...

Re:

[deza.livejournal.com]

Mmm, yes. Of course, the other advantage to wearing the collar is the most interesting people keep wanting to clip a leash to it!

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, I have a habit of wearing many bracelets (four today--well, three and my watch, which is like a bracelet). I'm not into anklets the way I used to be though. Hmm

[stronae.livejournal.com]

And have we done the requisite amount of introspection, upon this discovery? :)

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

I figure it may somehow be related to the fact that I've always wanted a four-poster bed . . .

[stronae.livejournal.com]

::Stroke chin:: I think you might be on to something there. I'd encourage you to explore it, but I don't know you that well. :)

Re:

[podling]

It's okay, she'll be exploring it right after she moves to NJ, I'm sure... ;)

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

IF we get a new bed. Of course, the current headboard and footboard do have--hmm, how to describe? They're like small posts. The bedroom set is from the '30s. podling calls them nubs, but I'm not sure I'd wanna go there . . .

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Is that because of some reputation of NJ that I don't know about, or because you know her infinitely better than I do?

Hmmm, podling unleashed....

[podling]

Well, I'm sure NJ has all kinds of reputations. But it's really because I know jennywrenn better and I know that she's trying to move, and that she's not buying a big-ass bed until after she moves, if she buys one at all. See?

And I *want* be be unleashed on the world!!!! Yeah!!!

[astrophysicat.livejournal.com]

hey! No fair. I don't wear any of those things. Hell I don't even wear a wrist-watch, or even a belt for that matter. What does this mean about me? That I dream of having sex swimming free and unencumbered in the ocean?

Oh, well, that's true.... but but but. That doesn't mean I wouldn't necessarily also like to be tied... Well not while swimming, that would be fucking scary.

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Wristwatch. Good one. Also about the bondage -- here, you're also bound to time as well. It's a two-for-one special in the house of astrophysicat. :)

If you actually do like to be tied, but you haven't worn any of the paraphenalia yet, then it just means that you haven't discovered the joys of wearing it yet. That's all.

[podling]

I made astrophysicat buy a belt that looked really cool when we went shopping last time, but she doesn't think she'll ever wear it. How sad is that?

[stronae.livejournal.com]

That's silly. Make her bring it down to D*C!

[podling]

Oh, she will! It's what it was bought for. Even if I end up being the one wearing it. I love it, I think it's a fabulous belt...

[deza.livejournal.com]

I've been tied up while swimming. It was part of a survival course I took once. It's actually surprisingly easy to do. And according to [Unknown site tag], it's cute, too.

[podling]

I've thought about that before, really. And it's so true! I mean, I have rings, necklaces, etc. galore. Even my ear cuff could be seen as a binding force.

Rings especially though, and given the wedding ring = sign of bond.

And then there's bras, which are all about binding a part of the woman. Sure, they have practical reasons (I would *not* want to be exercising without a sports bra, that's all I'm saying) but still.

[stronae.livejournal.com]

Certain kinds of shoes, too. Like, the pumps with the laces that go 3/4 up the calf?

[podling]

Aw, hell yeah! And most boots, really.

[piratejenny.livejournal.com]

Especially the thigh-high ones that snap all the way up.

[morenasangre.livejournal.com]

"everyone simultaneously wants completely control of their lives and total bossing about by someone else"

Makes sense.

We all want our choice and our freedom. We want to be able to do what we want which implies freedom and strength. All the things we're taught by our society, our environment and our own selfishness that we want.

But that doesn't give security. Being told what to do, bossed around, and limited provides security; it reassures us that someone cares enough to take care of us, even down to the minutiae.

's true.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

"Being told what to do, bossed around, and limited provides security; it reassures us that someone cares enough to take care of us, even down to the minutiae."

Yes, exactly. Thank you for getting this. It's the treasured-pet thing. :)

I'm more into the psychological side of things than into getting cuffed to the bed or whatnot...

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

"Being told what to do, bossed around, and limited provides security; it reassures us that someone cares enough to take care of us, even down to the minutiae."

See, to me, this indicates that I am incapable of handling something myself. Which I loathe.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

It isn't that way for me... I mean, to start with, I wouldn't have that kind of relationship with someone who didn't have the utmost respect for me, someone who knew that I could damn well do anything. I've known several Doms to say that they prefer subs that tended to be very independent in their day-to-day lives, because having a control freak like me willing to kneel for them - it's part of the charge. Most Doms don't want someone who'll simper and beg for the room, they want a sub that they take pride in in every way.

A Dom (no names!) I liked very much wouldn't give me orders that would interfere with my ability to do things or my pride in doing so - his "bossing around" was in subtler ways, like telling me to wear the blue shirt, with my hair loose. How he wanted his sub to look. Or to act, in scene.

A good Dom won't bleed over into your everyday life, telling you how to organize your closet or balance your checkbook, but I enjoy limitations like clothing choice. *blush*

[podling]

And... though this isn't really related, but kind of is. The guy I was talking to about it said something like this to me, "So, you'd let someone tie you up? I mean, couldn't that turn bad?" and I was just like, "I don't let people that I don't trust touch me really. I certainly wouldn't let them tie me up." And that's the truth of it for me. I might or might not let someone tie me, but it sure as hell would only even be an *option* with someone I trusted.

One of the guys at work told me he could easily see me as a sub, even though I think for the most part I'm dominant in most non-erotic situations. And I don't know that he's right, but there could be something to it. But then again, I do work in a service department too (though I refrain from saying "I live to serve" for the most part, okay, once in a while I say that jokingly, but still).

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

No, that's totally related, you're right. It's even more of a trust issue than normal sex is. Especially for someone like me, who can't safeword and therefore has to be carefully monitored... and I've done stuff like breathplay. So to have a guy put his hands around your throat and squeeze... yeah. Literally putting your life in someone's hands. And part of why I do this is the completeness of the surrender. The fullness of the trust.

And yeah, people who have dominant roles in everyday life to tend to be sub in the sack. :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I thought I was the only person who did that! But yeah, you have to have faith in the person you're with.

I've been in a situation where the stopword was ignored. It is not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Silly deza, if you were the only one who did it, they wouldn't have a name for it, would they? :)

About the ignoring the stopword: You need to have a better screening process in place. Seriously. Have me interview your men or something. You should never be with someone who'll ignore your safeword...

Re:

[deza.livejournal.com]

Well, this guy was bad for me all around. He's the same one who managed to fracture two vertabrae in my neck one night.

And he'll be at D*C. Whoo.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Dude. Point him out to me. My boys will take care of him.

Re:

[deza.livejournal.com]

You'll laugh when you see him. He's the original 98 lb weakling. It's amazing what leverage and emotional control will let you accomplish.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Heh. You should know that I, of all people, do not underestimate strength based on size... :)

Re:

[deza.livejournal.com]

Too true, oh Force of Nature. ;)

[sage-and-sea.livejournal.com]

Many people figured I was a top 'cause I'm a bit of a control-freak. Okay, a huge control freak. I was told my a Mistress I Respect hugely that control freaks and in-charge-all-day people make the best bottoms/subs ~ because when we give it up, we really give it up ;)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Exactly. :) I tend to be a huge control freak in my everyday life, and in bed? My submission is so complete that other subs are stunned.




q

[podling]

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, given how prevalent it is. I mean, it certainly explains it.

I get resentful of that kind of security though. I'm not sure why. I'm not that truly independant, but I really dislike people trying to use that kind of hold over me. I get resentful, and break free.

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm, I keep thinking about this, and I can't find that part of myself. I dislike, strongly, being told what to do, or restrained in any way.

I'd rather be bossing, if I must. But I'm not strongly drawn to being in charge or in power. So I don't know that I'd be a Dom. But I'm for sure too contrary to sub...

I need to be less mellow. :)

[podling]

I think it's a power thing. Power & powerlessness.

Your relationship with your guy seems more of an equality thing. But I also don't think you have to be strongly drawn to it. I mean, do you guys use blindfolds once in a while? Or scarves? It's to a more limited extent sure, but...

And I'd think with more equal partners, neither of whom is overly dominant or submissive, that there'd just be give and take in it. Sort of like tickle fights I used to have 'lo many years ago with a friend in MA. More or less took turns torturing each other with the tickling.

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

I think all relationships are about power. The give, the take, etc. All the rest of the trappings--love, lust, companionship--are subsets of a power exchange. Not romantic, but there you go.

C & I are pretty vanilla all around, I think. We've dabbled in play, but mostly I just feel silly and not particularily titilated by it.

I've had unequal relationships before. I dislike them. I want to respect the person I'm with, and have them respect me. I think it is more difficult for a woman to get that--men are so taught to protect women. Ugh. If a guy tried to step into to "protect" me, I'd get so pissed. C is my partner, I expect him to be my backup, and I'm his. But he doesn't fight for me. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Mostly. Except when I get into fights in public.

But, you know, that's what *I* want from a relationship. And I get it. Whatever anyone else wants from a relationship, I dearly hope they get it. No judgement. Well, that's not entirely true. But I'm not going to stand in the way of them getting it, or condemn them. But I do have to judge through the lens of my experience.

[stronae.livejournal.com]

It's like a couple of days ago with Miss Vorpal Hair. She demanded that I get some work done before tomorrow, despite its relative unimportance. It wasn't the unimportance that bothered me -- it was the demand.

I don't mind being taught, or shown a better way, or even asked to do stuff. But if someone demands something from me willy-nilly, I tend to balk in a big way. (The bedroom screams of "fawk me now!", "get down there!", etc., are the exception, of course. :))

I wouldn't worry about the mellowness too much -- I'm far too mellow generally speaking, and yet this is a part of me.

[toratigris.livejournal.com]

Well, everybody's different. :)

I loathe being told what to do in every other aspect of my life (probably one of the reasons I'm so strongly non-religious, and one reason I'm a feminist, as well), including general relationship stuff. But I find being submissive sexually a total turn on...kind of a "forbidden fruit" thing, for me, I think.

[tanaise.livejournal.com]

I think that's maybe part of the problem I have with marriage, and with relationships in general, because while I want some to take care of me, really all that means is I want someone who's there if I need them, but not otherwise--which is how my parents were, how my school was, how my job is. I have always been independent with a safety cushion. But too many people I know have relationships that seem to be...way co-dependant. I think some people need someone telling them what to do. Church, school, marriage, parents, they need *someone* taking responsibility for their lives. So marriage for some people provides the S/M thing needed. Not that it's that way for everyone, of course, but I just see it in too many people.

[deza.livejournal.com]

Now there's a possible tangent--are co-deps more likely to be subs?

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm, I don't know. Co-dependent relationships are so deceptive--one partner appears to be helpless (against the other's drinking/abuse/whatever) but they really aren't. They are really in control of setting the one and rhythm of the relationship. They control the other person, very passive-aggresively.

Of course, a lot of people claim the same things about the sub--that they are the one in control of the encounter, not the dom. It does seem more straightforward to me--both sides are in a particular role, they know what is expected of them. There cannot be much manipulation, therefore.

I would think that a person who is a co-dependent would want to be the dom, just to get a taste of the other side.