(no subject)

[podling]

So I was talking to someone about BDS&M stuff the other day... actually mostly just about bondage. And at some point I said that I think most people are a little bit attracted (or turned on, more like) to a small amount of it. Not necessarily in a way that would be expressed regularly, but just kind of in the back of the mind.

Anyway, talking to tanaise about it, she said this... "And I think that probably everyone has a little S/M side to themselves because everyone simultaneously wants completely control of their lives and total bossing about by someone else." And I think she makes a valid point...

Comments

[morenasangre.livejournal.com]

"everyone simultaneously wants completely control of their lives and total bossing about by someone else"

Makes sense.

We all want our choice and our freedom. We want to be able to do what we want which implies freedom and strength. All the things we're taught by our society, our environment and our own selfishness that we want.

But that doesn't give security. Being told what to do, bossed around, and limited provides security; it reassures us that someone cares enough to take care of us, even down to the minutiae.

's true.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

"Being told what to do, bossed around, and limited provides security; it reassures us that someone cares enough to take care of us, even down to the minutiae."

Yes, exactly. Thank you for getting this. It's the treasured-pet thing. :)

I'm more into the psychological side of things than into getting cuffed to the bed or whatnot...

[tikimama.livejournal.com]

"Being told what to do, bossed around, and limited provides security; it reassures us that someone cares enough to take care of us, even down to the minutiae."

See, to me, this indicates that I am incapable of handling something myself. Which I loathe.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

It isn't that way for me... I mean, to start with, I wouldn't have that kind of relationship with someone who didn't have the utmost respect for me, someone who knew that I could damn well do anything. I've known several Doms to say that they prefer subs that tended to be very independent in their day-to-day lives, because having a control freak like me willing to kneel for them - it's part of the charge. Most Doms don't want someone who'll simper and beg for the room, they want a sub that they take pride in in every way.

A Dom (no names!) I liked very much wouldn't give me orders that would interfere with my ability to do things or my pride in doing so - his "bossing around" was in subtler ways, like telling me to wear the blue shirt, with my hair loose. How he wanted his sub to look. Or to act, in scene.

A good Dom won't bleed over into your everyday life, telling you how to organize your closet or balance your checkbook, but I enjoy limitations like clothing choice. *blush*

[podling]

And... though this isn't really related, but kind of is. The guy I was talking to about it said something like this to me, "So, you'd let someone tie you up? I mean, couldn't that turn bad?" and I was just like, "I don't let people that I don't trust touch me really. I certainly wouldn't let them tie me up." And that's the truth of it for me. I might or might not let someone tie me, but it sure as hell would only even be an *option* with someone I trusted.

One of the guys at work told me he could easily see me as a sub, even though I think for the most part I'm dominant in most non-erotic situations. And I don't know that he's right, but there could be something to it. But then again, I do work in a service department too (though I refrain from saying "I live to serve" for the most part, okay, once in a while I say that jokingly, but still).

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

No, that's totally related, you're right. It's even more of a trust issue than normal sex is. Especially for someone like me, who can't safeword and therefore has to be carefully monitored... and I've done stuff like breathplay. So to have a guy put his hands around your throat and squeeze... yeah. Literally putting your life in someone's hands. And part of why I do this is the completeness of the surrender. The fullness of the trust.

And yeah, people who have dominant roles in everyday life to tend to be sub in the sack. :)

[deza.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I thought I was the only person who did that! But yeah, you have to have faith in the person you're with.

I've been in a situation where the stopword was ignored. It is not pleasant. Not pleasant at all.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Silly deza, if you were the only one who did it, they wouldn't have a name for it, would they? :)

About the ignoring the stopword: You need to have a better screening process in place. Seriously. Have me interview your men or something. You should never be with someone who'll ignore your safeword...

Re:

[deza.livejournal.com]

Well, this guy was bad for me all around. He's the same one who managed to fracture two vertabrae in my neck one night.

And he'll be at D*C. Whoo.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Dude. Point him out to me. My boys will take care of him.

Re:

[deza.livejournal.com]

You'll laugh when you see him. He's the original 98 lb weakling. It's amazing what leverage and emotional control will let you accomplish.

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Heh. You should know that I, of all people, do not underestimate strength based on size... :)

Re:

[deza.livejournal.com]

Too true, oh Force of Nature. ;)

[sage-and-sea.livejournal.com]

Many people figured I was a top 'cause I'm a bit of a control-freak. Okay, a huge control freak. I was told my a Mistress I Respect hugely that control freaks and in-charge-all-day people make the best bottoms/subs ~ because when we give it up, we really give it up ;)

[shadesong.livejournal.com]

Exactly. :) I tend to be a huge control freak in my everyday life, and in bed? My submission is so complete that other subs are stunned.




q

[podling]

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, given how prevalent it is. I mean, it certainly explains it.

I get resentful of that kind of security though. I'm not sure why. I'm not that truly independant, but I really dislike people trying to use that kind of hold over me. I get resentful, and break free.