me babbling on me and how I look
Apr. 26th, 2003 12:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
podlingI've had several conversations lately with random friends centering on how I see myself and how others see me and how I think others see me. It's odd really. People compliment me on how I look (often at work, but not exclusively), and I really somehow just don't believe it. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, there are times when I think I look good or hot or whatever, but for the most part I don't think of myself as an attractive person. But what is attraction, really? Is it based on an aesthetic? Is it based on a chemical property? Or is it something even more vague than that? But I'm getting away from what I'm really thinking about there.
Part of the thinking behind this is that I am a tad overweight. I'm not hugely overweight, and I guess I carry it well, but still, it's a fact. I do not weigh near target weight. Though I have lost a very small amount of weight recently (which I can probably attribute to slight changes in eating habits, along with doing funky balance ball exercises) which is good. Overall I look well-balanced, I'm about an average size for a woman, I can still shop at The Limited and all, plus big tits seem to even the rest of the body out. Or rather, I'm proportional. And I think I'm shaped nicely, but then again, that is what the post is about. I say these things that sound positive, and yet at some deeper level I have a lack of belief in it. For the most part I just think I'm okay. I'm not ugly, I'm not fabulous. I have days when I really would rather not think about it though. I'd rather not pass by mirrors on some days.
But then sometimes people can make me believe, if even for a short period of time, that no, really, I *am* beautiful. Possibly even sexy. Like a friend taking photos, or maybe holding me, or just paying me a compliment. Sometimes it does get through. But what makes those times different then? Is it a good mood, does that make me more receptive? I just don't know...
Part of the thinking behind this is that I am a tad overweight. I'm not hugely overweight, and I guess I carry it well, but still, it's a fact. I do not weigh near target weight. Though I have lost a very small amount of weight recently (which I can probably attribute to slight changes in eating habits, along with doing funky balance ball exercises) which is good. Overall I look well-balanced, I'm about an average size for a woman, I can still shop at The Limited and all, plus big tits seem to even the rest of the body out. Or rather, I'm proportional. And I think I'm shaped nicely, but then again, that is what the post is about. I say these things that sound positive, and yet at some deeper level I have a lack of belief in it. For the most part I just think I'm okay. I'm not ugly, I'm not fabulous. I have days when I really would rather not think about it though. I'd rather not pass by mirrors on some days.
But then sometimes people can make me believe, if even for a short period of time, that no, really, I *am* beautiful. Possibly even sexy. Like a friend taking photos, or maybe holding me, or just paying me a compliment. Sometimes it does get through. But what makes those times different then? Is it a good mood, does that make me more receptive? I just don't know...
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