me babbling on me and how I look

[podling]

I've had several conversations lately with random friends centering on how I see myself and how others see me and how I think others see me. It's odd really. People compliment me on how I look (often at work, but not exclusively), and I really somehow just don't believe it. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, there are times when I think I look good or hot or whatever, but for the most part I don't think of myself as an attractive person. But what is attraction, really? Is it based on an aesthetic? Is it based on a chemical property? Or is it something even more vague than that? But I'm getting away from what I'm really thinking about there.

Part of the thinking behind this is that I am a tad overweight. I'm not hugely overweight, and I guess I carry it well, but still, it's a fact. I do not weigh near target weight. Though I have lost a very small amount of weight recently (which I can probably attribute to slight changes in eating habits, along with doing funky balance ball exercises) which is good. Overall I look well-balanced, I'm about an average size for a woman, I can still shop at The Limited and all, plus big tits seem to even the rest of the body out. Or rather, I'm proportional. And I think I'm shaped nicely, but then again, that is what the post is about. I say these things that sound positive, and yet at some deeper level I have a lack of belief in it. For the most part I just think I'm okay. I'm not ugly, I'm not fabulous. I have days when I really would rather not think about it though. I'd rather not pass by mirrors on some days.

But then sometimes people can make me believe, if even for a short period of time, that no, really, I *am* beautiful. Possibly even sexy. Like a friend taking photos, or maybe holding me, or just paying me a compliment. Sometimes it does get through. But what makes those times different then? Is it a good mood, does that make me more receptive? I just don't know...

Comments

[godcat.livejournal.com]

I know you aren't fishing for compliments here, but you're going to get them anyway. Certainly I find you attractive. Certainly I've seen you sexy. Given that it's hard for you to believe a lot of the time and that interpersonal communication is imperfect though, it's not surprising that sometimes you accept the truth to the compliments or attention and at other times you aren't readily able to do so.

I've said many times that I wish I could share my way of seeing my female friends with them, so that even if they couldn't accept it as fact, at least they would know I'm being sincere.

Stay beautiful, it goes well with being supercool. ;)

[podling]

I really wasn't fishing for compliments, but thanks anyway. It's still hard to believe sometimes, and I know that's silly, but that's just kind of how it is. Oh well. And I'm not supercool, I'm just vaguely chilled. ;)