me babbling on me and how I look

[podling]

I've had several conversations lately with random friends centering on how I see myself and how others see me and how I think others see me. It's odd really. People compliment me on how I look (often at work, but not exclusively), and I really somehow just don't believe it. And I'm not entirely sure why. I mean, there are times when I think I look good or hot or whatever, but for the most part I don't think of myself as an attractive person. But what is attraction, really? Is it based on an aesthetic? Is it based on a chemical property? Or is it something even more vague than that? But I'm getting away from what I'm really thinking about there.

Part of the thinking behind this is that I am a tad overweight. I'm not hugely overweight, and I guess I carry it well, but still, it's a fact. I do not weigh near target weight. Though I have lost a very small amount of weight recently (which I can probably attribute to slight changes in eating habits, along with doing funky balance ball exercises) which is good. Overall I look well-balanced, I'm about an average size for a woman, I can still shop at The Limited and all, plus big tits seem to even the rest of the body out. Or rather, I'm proportional. And I think I'm shaped nicely, but then again, that is what the post is about. I say these things that sound positive, and yet at some deeper level I have a lack of belief in it. For the most part I just think I'm okay. I'm not ugly, I'm not fabulous. I have days when I really would rather not think about it though. I'd rather not pass by mirrors on some days.

But then sometimes people can make me believe, if even for a short period of time, that no, really, I *am* beautiful. Possibly even sexy. Like a friend taking photos, or maybe holding me, or just paying me a compliment. Sometimes it does get through. But what makes those times different then? Is it a good mood, does that make me more receptive? I just don't know...

Comments

[dangerdean.livejournal.com]

I've found that, while appearance definitely has an impact, it is one of the least important factors determining whether someone is sexy/attractive/whatever. How someone sees themself and carries themself, their attitude and interactions with others...those are the things which attract me.

Judging by the pictures I've seen you are, indeed, attractive, but even if I hadn't seen any pictures I'd still think you were hot, so you obviously put out a certain vibe.

[podling]

Yeah, I see what you mean, totally. Attraction is such a complicated thing, but in the end it always works out to either you are or you aren't. The factors involved can be multitudinous, but it all boils down to that.

And yeah, 'course I'm hot. I just doubt myself once in a while.