Awake and alive and in a weird mood

[podling]

So here I am. It's around 8:30 in the morning and I've been up for more than half an hour. WHY????? I mean, I went to bed at 3ish. I don't want to be up this early. Granted on a weekday I'd already be at work, but still. On a weekday I also go to bed hours earlier.

When I got home last night, I was in one of those nervous energy moods. Possibly over-caffeinated, possibly just the earlier low-level alcohol consumption, as in, the good effects were gone, but the depressant part remained. It was the kind of mood when I normally go out driving on a highway in the middle of the night because I can't think of anything to do, or where to do it, no one to talk to, nothing to do. And on the one hand I love that feeling, on the other I really, really hate it. Like, is this all there is??? I need to escape. I need to find people! People who'll be happy to see me, glad I exist. I need, I need, I need. But then I wise up and realize it's 1 am. I can't just go calling my friends (well, other than tanaise but she's too far away to actually go hang out with, and it was real contact I was craving).

When I lived on Easton Ave. with littlefrogling I used to refer to the time between 1:30 and 3 am as the post-midnight panic time. Because always, If it was going to happen, it was then that I'd feel alienated and lonely. Calling people usually worked only to annoy and confuse them, visiting people was rarely an option. I used to end up walking randomly around New Brunswick, down by Rutgers and the grease trucks, because there were people there (and driving was a bad plan 'cause I'd never have a parking spot if I moved). Once in a while I miss living near there, having that freedom. It's different if you have to drive there to do it, less of an outer limits paranoid delusional feel. And gradually, after I started working in NYC I stopped being awake and alone at that time. Now, usually if I'm up that late it's because I've with other people, watching movies or hanging out or whatever. So I don't feel it as keenly, but once in a while...

But anyway I did get a lot accomplished last night. Wrapped presents, contemplated the other ones that I need and am unlikely to find in the 2 remaining days I have left. I didn't clean my room, which is even scarier now that astrophysicat cleaned and partially decorated downstairs. Now my room is looking like the cave of despair in an otherwise clean apartment.


So I had a freaky verging on nightmare dream. It was weird. It involved people from the show I'm doing lights for and many of my friends, one or two of them acting like total freaks, treating me horribly in a way that they never would, and yet. And yet the feelings of rejection are clinging to me right now. How stupid is that?

And so, lying awake, looking up at the chains with the candelabra and bats hanging from it, I'm thinking about why. Is it the necessary christmas shopping still to be done? I don't know whether I can find what I want. Luckily I bought for most of my family during the summer (umm, long story) but there are still the other people that I kind of forgot until this week. And lately I really don't talk to my family that much, and I've been busy, so I kind of had to go out of my way to talk to my dad about it. Is it the fact that today is the end of the first play run that I've done in five years? Because really, it has been fun, and I'm kind of sad it's ending. I like the cast & crew. They're cool. And even though I don't completely feel as if I fit in... and maybe that's part of it too. being_angyl made a damn fine post on change early this morning, and I've been thinking about that in relation to the whole tech crew and job things. I've always been pretty much one with change in my life, but it gave me pause when I read it, a kind of jolt of "you need to think about it this way!!!" Heh. So I thank her, oh yeah!

But so today I also agreed to do all these things that kind of conflict with each other, and I think that maybe my subconscious mind figured it out and was trying to point it out to me. Like it's yelling, "Hello!!! You agreed to have dinner with digriz, you can't be putting up a christmas tree and decorating it with astrophysicat at the same time. It's just unrealistic!!! And what about the cast party and set deconstruction???"

But part of the dream was more of a personal rejection from a long ago friend. And that was weird and unpleasant. And that's the part that's really sticking to me. Actually, weirdly enought, part of it involved me telling him good LJ etiquette too. I'm not sure where that came from though...

Comments

[crowyhead.livejournal.com]

Dude, I totally woke up in that weird uneasy mood this morning, after dreaming about losing my teeth and screwing up at work. But I think in my case I was feeling uneasy because Dave's leaving to go home and visit his parents today. Plus I found out yesterday that I owe Drexel more money than I can afford to pay them in one lump sum. So my weird mood isn't really a mystery, but it's still disconcerting.