Self-indulgent moments
Mar. 1st, 2005 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
podlingWell... this will seem odd, but I figured it'd be an interesting exercise in self-reflection. So. Here we go... unsent letters to exes. Mind you, I'm only writing them now, but I figure the perspective of being, uh, a more mature person will make it more interesting. They're from all different time periods (ie, not in order), and I'm not saying specifically who any of them are. Technically though, some of them were just guys I dated, not quite boyfriends, and one of them, he's just a guy...
Dear R.,
Sorry I jerked you around all through college. I should've been adult enough to just break it off when I realized that I couldn't deal with you and your craziness for the most part. You're lucky Josh eventually stopped me from turning to you when I was having lonely moments. You wrecked my chance at dating one of your friends, which was annoying, but likely a positive in the long run. I heard you eventually found someone, and I'm glad.
No love, many apologies...
A.
Dear J.,
You crazy, psychotic bastard. I don't know what I was thinking, other than I was young. I didn't even know what I was thinking then, other than that you seemed to have a personality when you were drunk. You'll notice I remained friends with your friends while you didn't? That's because I'm not fucking psychotic, I don't threaten people, and I'm not a transparently manipulative jerk. It's too bad you'll never know what that's like. Hope I didn't actually push you farther towards the crazy side.
No love,
A.
Dear M.,
Knowing what you wanted out of life scared me more than it should've. Just because you were honest enough to admit that you wanted to marry someone within a year or two and then have children... well, I still think I should've seen if things could be good between us. Just... knowing that you knew what you wanted and that I really didn't know what I wanted... it was too much for me. But I'm sorry I didn't try to make it work, you're a good guy.
A.
Dear N.,
When I related your behavior to someone and remarked that I should've known better since there was a ten year age difference, he said, "You were dating a fifteen year old!!!" You were by far the worst boyfriend I've had, and I'm counting people I only went on one date with. I have never known someone so emotionally manipulative. Hell, even other people reading your emails said that. The day we broke up was one of the happiest days of that year, if not my life to that point. I was so bubbly at work it wasn't even funny. I'm not entirely sure why you thought I wasn't dating other people, given that we knew each other for less than a month, and totally didn't need your permission. Also, some girls have friends that are boys. Get the fuck over it.
No love, though you're not worthy of hatred,
A.
ps. You reminded me of my dad. That's not a good thing.
Dear T.,
You are probably the love of my life. No one person has ever moved me to such emotions, both positive and negative. On the one hand, I wish there was a way to make things work. On the other, I wish I'd said and done different things over the years, because there were times when one or both of us was unhappy with how things were going and I know that wasn't always neccessary. But know that I wish things could be different even now, that we both were more willing to make it work. I'm glad we're still friends, even so. And even if you are somewhat morally flexible on occasion. ;)
loves,
A.
Dear J.,
I wish I could speak to you just in general, I liked talking to you, but I know that you're probably happy and settled in with someone now. I felt that you viewed some things between us as a competition, as a reason to do more with your life, and I... I don't need to feel competitive like that with an SO (though obviously I don't know how you actually felt). I'm grateful that you wanted to be so honest with me, and sorry that I didn't... wasn't able to, really... return that. I hope I didn't hurt you at all. You're a sweetie.
A.
Dear B.
It's too bad we couldn't understand each other better, because that always seemed to be the real problem. You misunderstood me, I misunderstood you. I was always so attracted to you, but... yeah. Oh, and sorry I was jealous of that one fling you had way back when. I was a brat, and I know you didn't know why I was acting all freaky, but yeah. Sorry.
loves,
A.
Dear M.,
You were right to end it with me. I was totally head over heels for you, and I've certainly broken up with people for that reason myself when I don't share the feelings. How you did it was really questionable, but... yeah. And honestly, there are some things that while they can be forgiven, they can never be forgotten. No matter how much I thought we could've went on, we really couldn't. I really do understand that now. And I'm glad you're happy, settled, and all that with someone in your new life far away. I still love our occassional multi-hour conversations, though I think that as much as I will miss them, it's probably time for that to end too. To everything there's a season, too bad ours was so short. Still, wish we could've went another way. You meant a lot to me.
A.
Dear J.
I'm glad we got the chance last year to talk about what happened at the end of HS. I'm sorry that neither of us could express it at the time. I like your wife, you seem well suited. I still wonder what would've happened between us if I wasn't so lame though.
loves,
A.
Heh. No one else will find this anywhere near as amusing as I do.
EDIT:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
d2leddy points out that it's about endings and loss, and as such is sad. Which is kind of as it should be. Though there are a few that aren't all that sad.
Dear R.,
Sorry I jerked you around all through college. I should've been adult enough to just break it off when I realized that I couldn't deal with you and your craziness for the most part. You're lucky Josh eventually stopped me from turning to you when I was having lonely moments. You wrecked my chance at dating one of your friends, which was annoying, but likely a positive in the long run. I heard you eventually found someone, and I'm glad.
No love, many apologies...
A.
Dear J.,
You crazy, psychotic bastard. I don't know what I was thinking, other than I was young. I didn't even know what I was thinking then, other than that you seemed to have a personality when you were drunk. You'll notice I remained friends with your friends while you didn't? That's because I'm not fucking psychotic, I don't threaten people, and I'm not a transparently manipulative jerk. It's too bad you'll never know what that's like. Hope I didn't actually push you farther towards the crazy side.
No love,
A.
Dear M.,
Knowing what you wanted out of life scared me more than it should've. Just because you were honest enough to admit that you wanted to marry someone within a year or two and then have children... well, I still think I should've seen if things could be good between us. Just... knowing that you knew what you wanted and that I really didn't know what I wanted... it was too much for me. But I'm sorry I didn't try to make it work, you're a good guy.
A.
Dear N.,
When I related your behavior to someone and remarked that I should've known better since there was a ten year age difference, he said, "You were dating a fifteen year old!!!" You were by far the worst boyfriend I've had, and I'm counting people I only went on one date with. I have never known someone so emotionally manipulative. Hell, even other people reading your emails said that. The day we broke up was one of the happiest days of that year, if not my life to that point. I was so bubbly at work it wasn't even funny. I'm not entirely sure why you thought I wasn't dating other people, given that we knew each other for less than a month, and totally didn't need your permission. Also, some girls have friends that are boys. Get the fuck over it.
No love, though you're not worthy of hatred,
A.
ps. You reminded me of my dad. That's not a good thing.
Dear T.,
You are probably the love of my life. No one person has ever moved me to such emotions, both positive and negative. On the one hand, I wish there was a way to make things work. On the other, I wish I'd said and done different things over the years, because there were times when one or both of us was unhappy with how things were going and I know that wasn't always neccessary. But know that I wish things could be different even now, that we both were more willing to make it work. I'm glad we're still friends, even so. And even if you are somewhat morally flexible on occasion. ;)
loves,
A.
Dear J.,
I wish I could speak to you just in general, I liked talking to you, but I know that you're probably happy and settled in with someone now. I felt that you viewed some things between us as a competition, as a reason to do more with your life, and I... I don't need to feel competitive like that with an SO (though obviously I don't know how you actually felt). I'm grateful that you wanted to be so honest with me, and sorry that I didn't... wasn't able to, really... return that. I hope I didn't hurt you at all. You're a sweetie.
A.
Dear B.
It's too bad we couldn't understand each other better, because that always seemed to be the real problem. You misunderstood me, I misunderstood you. I was always so attracted to you, but... yeah. Oh, and sorry I was jealous of that one fling you had way back when. I was a brat, and I know you didn't know why I was acting all freaky, but yeah. Sorry.
loves,
A.
Dear M.,
You were right to end it with me. I was totally head over heels for you, and I've certainly broken up with people for that reason myself when I don't share the feelings. How you did it was really questionable, but... yeah. And honestly, there are some things that while they can be forgiven, they can never be forgotten. No matter how much I thought we could've went on, we really couldn't. I really do understand that now. And I'm glad you're happy, settled, and all that with someone in your new life far away. I still love our occassional multi-hour conversations, though I think that as much as I will miss them, it's probably time for that to end too. To everything there's a season, too bad ours was so short. Still, wish we could've went another way. You meant a lot to me.
A.
Dear J.
I'm glad we got the chance last year to talk about what happened at the end of HS. I'm sorry that neither of us could express it at the time. I like your wife, you seem well suited. I still wonder what would've happened between us if I wasn't so lame though.
loves,
A.
Heh. No one else will find this anywhere near as amusing as I do.
EDIT:
d2leddy points out that it's about endings and loss, and as such is sad. Which is kind of as it should be. Though there are a few that aren't all that sad.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-02 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-03 02:08 pm (UTC)I have to do an add-on anyway, maybe I'll consider one for you... ;)