Tired, too awake, and too thoughtful

So lately a lot's been going on at work, and it's led me to think strange thoughts. Well, kind of. I'm just going to babble about it for a minute here since I can't sleep and there's no one here to talk to (damn that cara girl for going away!). So I was offered, and formally accepted today, a promotion in my current department at work (that's right, one day I aspire to be like d2leddy and be a shining example of management material JUST LIKE HIM!). Basically what this means is that I will not be moving out of state (unless it's to NY, but that's not too likely) and definitely not back to MA like I'd kind of started planning previously. There are good and bad things about this, just like there are good and bad things about most anything (except muppets,
they're all good).

I was raised in MA. I lived there until I was almost 18, and then on summer breaks for a few years. But I was never really an adult living there. My whole life (as a grown-up, really) has been here in NJ. And I've always kind of resisted that. You're not supposed to like NJ, and really, there are some
hideous parts, though it's not all bad. When I first went to Rutgers, I think I had this assumption that I'd go to school here, finish, and go back to MA. Simple as that. But it wasn't that simple. I didn't want to go back. I had no life there, I had no thoughts as to how to build a life there, how to
integrate who I was there with who I am here. And to some extent I still don't know how to do that, but I think I have slightly more of a clue now. It doesn't matter either way really. You are who you are. If people have issues with that, it's their issues. Sure, the discomfort level can be high once in a while, but that's true of life in general anyway.

So in the last two months I spent a lot of time in MA, for holidays and such. And much as I love my family (and I do, though people might've doubted it after my last visits there, but there's other stuff I've been thinking of relating to my family, and I'm just not ready to go into that), and I love aspects of MA, and part of me will always want to be there on occasion, I really can live without moving there for the time being. And now I'm committed to be at my job for at least a little while longer, given that my boss actually said, "If I give you this, will you stay? I need you here." and I agreed to the terms set out. Plus I want to make things better there.

But so now I eventually have to find a new place to live, for after astrophysicat gets a post-doc and moves on. And I don't know where to live, not the town, not the area of the state, nothing. And I think about it a lot. Especially since one of the condos down the hall is for sale. The price has dropped quite a bit on it, and it looks gorgeous, but it's not like I have the money to buy something like that, and I somehow doubt he wants to rent it out. And most of me rejects the idea of ownership. But part of me is saying, "C'mon now! You could do what you wanted in it!" And I'd like to live somewhere that I wouldn't have to move every two years (unless I wanted to... which isn't that farfetched, given that my dream job is to just travel, I love travelling) or have my house sold mid-lease again (which has happened twice now). But these are all really moot points, given that there is no money to be had for it. Though I should point out that the place down the hall has 3 bedrooms, I totally could sublet rooms out (or would that be "letting" rooms out, rather than "subletting" since I wouldn't be "letting" myself, hmmn). I can't afford to live places that I would want to live, is really the truth. I've been spoiled by this place (which is fabulous) and my last place (which was pretty nice and cheap as well).

I never really felt a pull towards ownership before, I think because it felt too much like putting down roots. But really, some roots are thin and easy to break, so that's not necessarily a really good comparison. Anyway, I couldn't imagine living here forever. It doesn't feel like "home" exactly. But it does in a way. And I think that searching for a place that does feel like "home" is
pointless anyway. Seriously. Wants and needs change with time. And the concept of "home" in this sense has often seemed to me like just a throwback to childhood, a remembrance of belonging and safety created by innocence and lack of knowledge (not always the same thing, though it's pretty much impossible to return to either state once you've left it). I don't feel comfortable looking for that. It's fake, it's unrealistic, and it sets up a pitfall of issues when reality doesn't meet expectations. Plus, home is where your heart is, and mine travels with me.

I guess I don't expect to live here for my whole life. I'd rather not, there are so many places I could go. And one day I will, I suppose. For now I have to figure out some kind of short term living situation wants. Actually, I'd like to get advice from one of my uncles, but I feel kind of weird calling him to talk about this, and I just don't see that driving up there is really probable anytime soon. Meh! I want I want I want!!!! Something.